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[31 Jul 2006|11:33pm]
i may be unaware of what i'm getting myself into in just 33 days when i move into a new room, a new comfort zone, a new set of friends, but i'll tell you this... it's got to be better then what i'm in right now.
why is it that the summer that i'm supposed to be enjoying more than anything, living everyday to its fullest; i have spent stressed out, full of stupid emotions, unsure of everything?

iamdone.
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[02 Jul 2006|09:49am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

so the truth is, i loved bishop feehan especially my junior/senior year but, i can't wait for college :]

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[28 Jun 2006|11:31pm]
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so tonight i went to the graduation at the preschool/daycare i used to work at before camp. And I was a little late due to traffic so when I walked in the younger kids were all sitting down, so I walked in quietly and Evan saw me and took off from his chair and ran right into me and jumped into my arms and didn't leave them the whole night. So as soon as he took off all the parents just looked and his mom went to get up to grab him then saw it was me so she sat back down and the director of the daycare was like, "yea, he's fine. he won't leave her side so we're just going to let him be with miss. jill" So I spent the entire night with that little kiddo. So I was talking to his mom after the ceremony and stuff and she was like the other day in the car, he was like "mom, I reallyyy miss Miss. Jill" and she was like I didn't even know how to console him so I'm really glad you are here tonight. So I was happy, and then after I was talking to her out in the hall and I had Evan and he gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek and was like "I really miss you, Miss Jill" these are for you. And he got down for .02 seconds to get flowers that his mom had. Then his mom was like "we weren't sure if you were coming tonight, but then Evan got into the car today and told me that you called today and they told him and he was so excited and asked me if we could give you flowers so I took him to pick you out flowers and he picked these out all by himself." And he got me my favorite :] HOTT pink gerber daisies <3 Then his mom wanted a picture of me and him together; so I of course asked her to take one with my camera. So after Evan left, I walked around to see all my other kids, and a lot of the parents asked me like where I've been because there kids have been asking for me and I explained to them how in the summer I work at a camp and I tried telling the kids that but they just don't grasp the concept of like, "I'm not coming back on monday" type thing. So after everything cleared out and parents took their pictures of me with their kids, I left and went to visit my Alicia face <33 We watched failure to launch except I didn't get to see the end of it :[ And her hair looks AMAZINGGGGG. I have to send her the pictures I took of it. But yes; then I came home and talked to my favorite, RWinn for a while which was good because I needed that. And tomorrow I'm getting a wake up call at like 9:30 from my Biff, before she leaves for Greece and Italy. Then I'm 2 weeks without her :[

and this is the longest most pointless entry of my life. I'm sorry you read that haha.


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[16 Jun 2006|10:38pm]
i cried more today saying bye to my little evan, then i did at my own high school graduation. crazy...
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[11 Jun 2006|07:37am]
so i graduated and what a wild experience that was. i have dyed my hair black only after going through 8 shades of red since the beginning of the year. i have changed my look so much. i have worked hours that i would usually be in school. i've been accused 4 times of being the mother to my little cousin. i have come to the end of one job and am waiting to begin the next. i have cried and laughed in the same night. i have opened up to other people. i have jumped into puddles that came up to my knee. i have yelled at someone for being a terrible person to others. i have had to manage my time. if this is all a part of growing up, it sure will be a roller coaster of emotions.

so i am in my last week of work at the daycare. i am so happy to be almost done there yet i can't help but prepare myself for how terrible friday will be. i can't say bye to Evan. I really can't. That one 3 year old has been my support through my whole 7 months there. It's amazing how much you can learn from a 3 year old and how much you can actually teach them. I will miss his constant hugs and not letting go because "miss jill came here for me". And I will miss drawing him a purple train every single day at 5:05 and somehow making it into an 8 page story nothing more and nothing less of that either. I will miss the constant fight to get him to not draw all over my pants and shoes because "well miss jill, you did it". I will miss him crying hysterically everyday at 5:42 because he has to go home. I will miss him sneaking up behind me, jumping on my back, and saying "miss jill, i love you". and i will miss teaching him about growing up and how sometimes change happens. i have been preparing him all this time about how sometimes change happens and we can't do anything but accept it, and now i'm going to go and turn his life upside down and leave on friday. sometimes i don't know why i chose to go back to camp over leaving the daycare. then i realized change happens. so in my heart i will always keep my little evan, and on my walls i will put his picture he drew of me (with my curly hair, because he "likes that better"). And i will include my latest breakthrough with him in writing his name. Sure it took 18 pieces of paper to get that short little name to fit, but i'll take it. but i will take with this experience the love and memories of this child who helped me to adapt to a new place, served as my constant companion there, and always taught me that you can make a difference to someone.

weird that i can learn all of that from a 3 year old, but when i wanted to figure it out on my own it wasn't possible. i learned that you can't avoid becoming attached. that was my whole plan, to not become attached to people. why? because i'll just end up losing them. that's how my whole life has been. i've let people into my life, only to have them ripped away in the end. but this past week and i'm sure this week too, spending 10-6 in my little classroom on maple street proves that you can't help but become attached. you can't help but invite a child to sit on you while reading a story, or yea, whatever color on my shoes i already did it. technically you're not allowed to do that stuff, but there's a difference between being just their daily daycare teacher and being a mentor in their life, showing them what it's like to be cared for. what it's like to receive positive attention. god; i guess i will miss that place.
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"and i'm tangled up in you" [30 May 2006|11:54pm]
I don't know why things hit me at the worst times but they do and that leaves me in the state of being an emotional disaster right now. it's not even like i'm sad to leave feehan, i'm scared to leave everything. i'm scared of what will happen in the next couple of months. i anticipate so much, but want everything to stay the same. i know it can't, and i truly don't want it to but when you come to find your comfort zone its tough to find the courage to leave it all behind. A lot of things are going to change and I have to come to terms with all of it. I'm beginning to let new people into my life and I'm afraid that by letting them in; I'm setting myself up to get hurt. That's how I am. I don't let people in because I feel like they'll just hurt me in the end. So yes, at times I may seem like I'm just a bitter girl who is content with having 3 close friends but in all reality... I'm scared. And I can't believe I'm admitting this to a livejournal. The one thing I hate using, is now getting everything on my mind. Thursday is coming wayy too fast. Go away! I can't handle this saying goodbye thing. Actually I don't think I can handle anything right now. Awards ceremony as boring as it was and as much as I loved making predictions on who won EVERY single award; it hits you. This is it guys, this is the end of our time at Feehan. This my friends, is that whole thing we've been warned against, it's what they call growing up. I don't know if any of us are truly ready for it but I guess we'll find out sooner or later.
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your voice was the soundtrack to my summer [28 May 2006|12:14am]
after tonight i realized how amazing this summer is truly going to be.
i'm so glad i've met those people this year that have changed my life. they are the people i can't imagine leaving next year and i want to make the most of them. alicia face, i can't wait to hang out with you tomorrow and a lot this summer. i love you a wayyy lot <33
katy hartwell; happy birthday! you're amazing and you best come into providence on monday and then we can attend senior cruise.
and everyone else, wow i can't wait.

in other news my graduation party finally has a date... July 15th... BE THERE!

i enjoy playing 10 fingers and sitting in the middle of the street with amazing people :]
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[15 May 2006|11:26pm]
i'm not just scared to only have 3 more days of school left at bishop feehan high school, i'm PETRIFIED. For the past four years Bishop Feehan has served as a whirlwind of emotions to me and now it is all going to be ripped away from me. I never thought this day would come and now I want time to slow down because I honestly don't know if I'm ready yet.
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[23 Apr 2006|10:42pm]
List 10 musical artists you like

1. Hellogoodbye
2. Cartel
3. The Format
4. Frou Frou
5. Thursday
6. Amber Pacific
7. The Rocket Summer
8. David Melillo
9. Gatsby's American Dream
10. Acceptance

What was the first song you ever heard by 8?:
Knights of the Island Counter

What is your favorite album of 5?:
War All the Time
What is your favorite lyric(s) of 6?:
"So why should i take your hand when you can't promise happy endings"

How many times have you seen 1 live?:
6 times

What is your favorite song by 7?
Story, Saturday, or Brat Pack

Is there a song of 4 that makes you sad?:
"Let Go" its powerful

What is your favorite lyric of 3?
"so let's cause a scene"

What is your favorite song by 9?:
"Shhhh! I'm Listening to Reason"

How did you get into 2?:
I think Andy but then I went to see them with The Starting Line and it was love!

What is your favorite song by 8?:
Sam's Song

What is a good memory concerning 10?:
That show was an amazing one (hellogoodbye, acceptance, the academy is, and panic!) and i went with some of the best people too

Is there a song by 5 that makes you sad?:
no not really

What is your favorite song by 1?:
Call N' Return or Touchdown Turnaround

How did you become a fan of 8?:
LHayes

Name The Song That First Pops In Your Head For Each.
1. Bonnie Taylor Shakedown
2. Say Anything (Else)
3. The First Single
4. Let Go
5. Asleep in the Chapel
6. Poetically Pathetic
7. Around the Clock
8. Excuses
9. Theatre
10. So Contagious
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[03 Mar 2006|11:12am]
step 1: get your playlist together, put it on random, and play.
step 2: write down the first line from the first 25 songs that play or close to it .
step 3: post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from . NO GOOGLING THE LYRICS!
step 4: highlight the songs when someone guesses correctly.

1. "I don't don't don't believe i fell alseep talk's a waste of time"
2. "It's one of those days, when nobody's home and everyone's here but, you're all alone"
3. "I saw you there, smiled at you, you didn't care"
4. "Under this city you'd find what used to be my dreams"
5. "I see you all the time. I see you in a video running through my head"
6. "Petals broke from tips of roses hidden underneath my arm"
7. "Rachel left home last night"
8. "Coal on the face, this'll take a second"
9. "Oh my God, this hurts like hell, i had that dream again where I was lost for good in outer space"
10. "Visit you at baskin robbins all the time to let you know that I am yours and you are mine"

11. "Hate send out the signal, a mold of ugliness"
12. "Brothers and sisters put this record down Take my advice 'cause we are bad news"
13. "Leave a message on your phone, just to find out you're not home"

14. "In this town it's always raining. Fight every battle with a smile"
15. "Mix the chemicals right dear, Yea the margin of error is slight"
16. "I am wrecked, I am overblown. I'm also fed up with the common cold"
17. "With the seasons changing ever faster, our two hearts still pitter patter cant you feel it it beats so hard it breaks your eardrums"
18. "So scream, I heard about your message, and how it reeked of your indifference"
19. "Hello, grab your bag and let's go. More out of place than anything you know"
20. "Everyday she sits and she waits for the one that she loves for the one that she loves to come for her"
21. "Walked past my grave in the dark tonight saw the stone and the note you left for me"
22. "I can't admit to my sin. I have been folish, i've been tired"
23. "Deep beneath your skin, you know this feels so right to you. but trust me girl with him you don’t know what your getting yourself into"
24. "Do you have the time to listen to me whine. About nothing and everything all at once"
25. "When we get home i know we wont be home at all. This place we live it is not where we belong"


enjoy to the like 2 people that read my journal. if i don't know you read this, feel free to leave your answers too :]
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[05 Feb 2006|12:12pm]
Touchdown Turnaround
I Never See You Around
Anywhere and Anymore
You are What I'm Looking For



oh hellogoodbye how you make my life complete. Another amazing performance from the boys themselves. I love dance parties. I love concerts in general, but hellogoodbye makes them 10x better. what other band can go on stage and rock out in hot dog costumes and ketchup and not be shot down. poor ketchup guys lost his hat though. I can't wait to see them again on tuesday. ahh AMAZING! okay that is all.

"h to the e to the l-l-o; hellogoodbye on the microphone
g double o d-b-y-e; i got no rhythm and i can't sing"
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stole from... well a lot of people [11 Dec 2005|09:51pm]
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we've never spoken) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want - good or bad - but it has to be fake.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you.
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for about 4 years i've hated this town, because graduation was so long ago... [07 Dec 2005|03:17pm]
slkfjlksjflkzjfkjsfiuhn@~~@!#Q#@$@#$;lkmsjhdjdfvuojhbnhuj

that's is my excitement from last night all bottled up into one saying. As if I was anticipating HELLOGOODBYE enough, it went above and beyond all anticipation. It was the BEST show I have ever been to and I definitely had the most fun. ahhh I can't even describe it. The night definitely started when David Melillo's band came outside and gave us all hot chocolate. ahh it was soo amazing. The night just got better and better after that. We were FRONT row and during Touchdown Turnaround (the last song of the night by HGB) we danced on stage with them and it was insane!!

go to my webshots// i have TONS of pictures from the show.

http://community.webshots.com/user/mixedemotion2
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[03 Dec 2005|11:28pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

so tonight was fun with Kat and Alicia. Watching "How to Deal" and having long talks are always fun <33

oh yea and PS//
please say SOMEONE else got a letter about being a Class Agent and that the future of the Class of 2006 was not just placed in my hands

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and we can take long walks through central park [03 Dec 2005|04:14pm]
[ mood | jubilant ]

just let the music guide you
let the music bring you back to me


so i'm not going to try and hide the fact that i'm overly excited to go see HELLOGOODBYE on tuesday, then MAE on January 27th, then HELLOGOODBYE, PANIC! AT THE DISCO, THE ACADEMY IS..., and ACCEPTANCE on February 8th, and then THE FORMAT sometime in April. There is no denying the fact that 2006 is looking rather promising in the shows department. And on top of that I will be graduating. Wow 2006 will be super busy. I got my Johnson and Wales acceptance letter this past Tuesday and everything is sent out and it is confirmed that I will be attending there in the Fall of 2006. Our video for Oral Communications class is finished and it came out amazing. Mrs.Loiselle told me to enter it into the Feehan Film Festival and told me and Ash to make another one. I think we're going to make a documentary on senior year.

As for tonight, movie night with Kat and Alicia.
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[30 Nov 2005|10:24pm]
List seven songs you are into right now, no matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good. They must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your livejournal along with your seven songs. Then, tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

1. "Bonnie Taylor Shakedown 2K1" by hellogoodbye
2. "The First Single" by The Format
3. "Embers and Envelopes" by Mae
4. "My Girlfriend's Hotter Then Yours" by The American Sex Machines
5. "Sweetness" by Jimmy Eat World
6. "Let Go" by Frou Frou
7. "The Way We Go Out Tonight" by Averi

I don't have any friends that haven't already been tagged except

1. Sara Furbs
2. Kat
3. Rox
4. Missy; shay tagged you but you're tagged until you do it
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2 updates in one day? [25 Nov 2005|08:12pm]
[ mood | numb ]

"Can we make this last forever
With every word you're growing distant
And I feel as though I have to let you go
Can we make this time together
Seem as though we never started
And it's hard to be the only one to know "


Wow I love this song more then I thought. I love this band more then I thought. Is it weird that I sometimes look forward to going to school? Yea, I thought so. I just think that with it being senior year I've finally come to terms with Bishop Feehan High School and I've learned to accept it for what it is and to try and enjoy it. It's the most I could do. I've grown up my whole life with my family telling me how awesome Feehan was and how they would kill to go back and up until this year I hadn't experienced this Feehan they were talking about. Sure it has it's flaws, but in all reality. I don't know if I'm ready to leave. In September I was. I was all gung-ho about college. The truth is, I'm scared. I'm so comfortable right now. I know I'll be comfortable in college but I've grown to love some of these people and to actually make the days worthwhile.

Enough sap. I saw RENT today with Ash. It was amazing. It was one of those movies that could be completely terrible because the play was just so good but the directors did a good job. It was awesome. Other then that; not too much is going on. So a warning to all. This week is going to be ridiculously hard for me. The GRANDPARENTS are moving back from California (yes those grandparents) and I'm not dealing with it well at all. I'm at the point where I shut everyone out and just stay up in my room all the time. Thats how I deal with things. Atleast in my room, I have my music and my computer and everything I need to make it through. I'm doing better then I thought though. I have been going out. So really just deal with me if I seem out of it. I should be fine come Monday, but it's just a warning incase I'm not. But thats about all.

keep the rock;
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[24 Nov 2005|11:30pm]
TEN FIRSTS


1.First Best Friend: Brittany Mello

2.First Hamster: Bobby in 2nd grade

3.First Piercing: My ears

4.First high school crush: Freshman year most likely but I really have no idea who it was

5.First CD: Donna Lewis; god don't even ask

6.First Car: I still don't have my own car

7.First Love: yea thats a bit awkward

8.First Stuffed Animal: My elmo

9.First Concert: Hanson

10.First Time Drunk: never



NINE LASTS



1.Last Beverage: coffee

2.Last Vehicle Ride: home from Kat's house last night

3.Last Movie Seen: Elf

4.Last Phone Call: Uncle Jimmy

5.Last CD Played: my car mix

6.Last Bubble Bath: forever ago. i don't really like soaking in germs

7.Last Time You Cried: like last week maybe if not longer

8.Last Kiss: October

9.Last Concert You Attended: Nintendo Fusion Tour



EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS



1.Have you ever dated one of your best friends: no

2.Have you ever been arrested: No

3.Have you ever skinny dipped: No

4.Have you ever been on TV: yes

5.Have you ever kissed someone and regret it: not regretted it; just know i shouldnt have

6.Have you ever had a sex dream about someone you knew: no haha

7.Have you ever been sent to the emergency room: yes

8.Have you ever been in a fist fight: haha i don't think so



SEVEN THINGS YOU'RE WEARING



1. underwear

2. bra

3. polka dot pajama pants

4. underoath tee shirt

5. finch track jacket

6. scarf

7. glasses





SIX THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY



1. ate turkey

2. laughed

3. played CRLdot

4. watched Elf

5. showered

6. done laundry





FIVE FAVORITE THINGS IN NO ORDER



1. Music/ Going to Shows

2. Friends

3. Family

4. Dancing

5. Laughing





FOUR PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO



1. Ash

2. Kat

3. Auntie Jack

4. Mom





THREE CHOICES



1. eat or drink: drink

2. blonde or brunnette: brunette

3. pink or black: i like both but pink is brighter but i have a lot of black band tees




TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE



1. open my own venue have Cause a Scene kick off

2. have a successful life including being happy





ONE THING YOU REGRET

1. Sometimes I'm too afraid to act in certain situations; it's like the only time i lack confidence
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why has my attitude changed so much? [07 Nov 2005|07:46pm]
So I never write in this. In fact I never did plan on writing in this until some people started to find me on it (coughh Kat and Missy coughh haha)

Dare I say it? I may miss high school?? Never thought that would come out of my mouth. I feel like I've finally decided to just forget about so much and just make the most out of it. Unlike most people, I don't care about how many friends I have or how many parties I go to, I just want to have memories with the people that matter most to me and thats what I'm doing. I think I just kind of realized that maybe people should stop saying that high school is the best time of your life and make the saying "senior year is the best time of your life" because I've hated every minute of school up until this year.

Kat and I are going to see Averi on Saturday. It's going to be amazing and we're going to have so much fun. I can't wait. Report cards won't be the death of me. I love being surprised by myself. Here I was thinking that I was failing spanish and I managed to pull off an 84.

So yes, in conclusion...
Senior year has been fun. I have found a hidden school spirit this year. I've been accepted to my number one school. Stress is not a part of my life right now and I'm loving every minute of it.

peacelove&rock;
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so a new beginning? [11 Sep 2005|01:18am]
So maybe I'll start using this and for Roxi, I'll keep it open ID for now haha.

I'm not prepared for school this year. I thought senior year was supposed to be easy and carefree. My classes are impossible and stressful. I hope it's just because it's the beginning of the year and I'm not used to things yet. I already am bored with school and I didn't think I would be. I'm ready to move on, I'm sick of high school. Things just seem 10x more petty. I think part of it is because I had such an amazing summer and then I got back to school and so much seemed to change. I feel like part of my class is bored with school because they all grew up and the rest of them are just going to skip school this year.

I took a personality quiz yesterday in my favorite class and we took a "walk through the woods". One of the questions was what season are you envisioning your woods in. I saw it in autumn. Autumn was just where my attitude about everything is too. If you envisioned the season to be autumn it means that your life is exciting but winter is coming which means you are bored with a lot but are also hopeful for spring which you know is coming which will bring new beginnings. It was so true. My life is exciting, I have great friends. Ash and Kait are amazing people, I can't wait to get to know Kait better this year. But school is my winter. I'm bored with school, the drama just gets so old so fast. The fact that it already started and it's only the first week of school, makes me not even want to bother. I'm just glad I always manage to not get involved with it. Spring is on the way though. Spring is college. College is a new beginning to life, filled with new people, new experiences, new teachers, new areas, and new responsibilities. I can't help but wonder if I'm ready for it all.

Mrs.White is nothing short of amazing and I believe that if I didn't have her as a teacher this year and if I didn't have Ash in that class, I wouldn't be able to make it through the day. I feel like no matter how stressed I get in school, the moment I walk into that class it all goes away. The other day we played with play-dough. Not many classes allow you to do that. It was so non-stressful. I went with Ash yesterday and we talked to Mrs.White all X period. She's getting to know us so well and it provides some hope for me. I know that she will always be there for me if I need someone to talk to. I can't say that about too many other teachers. Yes, a lot of teachers know me, and Yes, I am close with a lot of my past teachers, but none mean as much to me as Mrs.White.

In regards to my friends. I truly do love you, just know that I'm not the same anymore. I don't care about the stuff that most people care about. If I fight with you, I'm not going to try to resurrect our friendship, just give me time. I'll move on and so will you. It's not because I don't care because I do, it's just simply the fact that I don't want to deal with drama, I've moved past all that. I feel like none of us need that added on stress. I don't hate anyone, in fact I'll be friends with anyone. Just because I haven't talked to you in a while or because all I do is say "hi." to you, does not mean I don't want to be your friend. It just means that I'm busy or don't have the time to say much more. Or maybe I'm sick of always being the one to initiate everything. I feel like my true friends are the ones I can have fun with and actually talk to online and not run out of things to say. Or the ones that call me when they're bored at work and talk to me about the bugs crawling on the floor. I love my friends, I really do. I love the ones that I can sit with on the floor and talk to about everything. Or the ones that countdown until 2:15 with me and as soon as that bell rings, they sing with me because school is done. I love my friends that can laugh with me or even at me, because they think I'm funny not because they think I'm a lost cause. I love Roxanne for staying up until 12:30 on a school night just because we had to get stuff off our chest about stuff going on. I love how, she can not listen to what other people say, and I love how she can relate to me. I love how she told me she looks up to me. It's weird to hear that from one of your good friends. I don't feel like I'm any better then her. I know I'm not any better then her. I'm just glad she wants me to help her out.

What's unreal is the fact that when certain songs come on, I might not even relate to them, although I usually can, but when they come on everything else just goes away. I lose focus on whatever I'm doing, I don't know where I am until I focus again, and I just sit there in silence, and listen to the music. It's amazing really. Music does so much to me. Infact, I'm planning a concert with Ash to raise money for the Hurricane Katrina victims. People are going to have a problem with it, I already know. I don't care, she doesn't care. We're planning it whether you want us to or not. We have it all done and now we're just waiting for it to happen. Come if you will, but don't yell at me because I didn't include you.
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